Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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