I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
