If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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