We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Randomize