wrigley field is MILF paradise
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
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