I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
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