I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Michael Bay diarrhea
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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