My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
