My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Randomize
