I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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