i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
He told me they were just razor bumps!
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
