apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
