gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Randomize
