so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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