i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
