So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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