Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
