Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
