That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Randomize
