yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
