dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
