She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
