I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
