I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
