i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
