see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
