She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
