I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Randomize
