We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
