mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
