and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Randomize
