Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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