at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
