I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
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