he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
