i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
