The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
