She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
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