Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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