I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
