If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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