I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Randomize
