Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
