Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
