How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Randomize