My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
