i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Randomize
