You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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