My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
