Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
