i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
